The wide Western wold expectation on Parents nowadays is to love their children UN-conditionally. We hear it often: Unconditional love. What does that mean?
In essence : "No matter what you do, choose, or become, I will love you and be there for you".
When a child grows up with parents who showed affection and devotion regardless of their own expectations and needs being met , she or he will internalise a crucial belief for self-confidence: I am worthy of love, I can be myself and be loved.
As a parent, I understand all too well that this is easier said than done. Parents have hopes and expectations for their child even before birth, possibly even before conception. They envision who their children should become, what they should enjoy, and what passions they will share with them. I occasionally find it hard when my child dislikes or is not interested in what brings me joy.
Therefore, it is natural that when these expectations are unmet, one might experience a sense of disappointment, sadness, or even resentment.
Loving unconditionally does not mean not feeling those emotions. It means recognising what is happening, naming the emotions , accepting them while understanding how expressing or acting on them could affect our children.
When a parent recurrently expresses love to their children with conditions, it can have enduring consequences on the children's self-esteem, sense of self , the way they will build relations with others.
Children who receive conditional love from their parents develop and adhere to a dominant belief that their parents will either not love them or love them less if they fail to meet specific expectations- (academically, for example), if they will drop a sport activity, if they will look , behave, make choices that their parents will not agree with.
This narrative often arises in my sessions with clients.
One of the most damaging examples of conditional love is "love withdrawal": if a child does not behave in the way it is expected by the parents they withdraw their love ie silence treatment until the child changes his/her behaviour to please his/her parents.
This does not mean that parents should stop being authoritative and setting boundaries, but they should avoid withdrawing their affection and causing overwhelming guilt in their children.
A recurring consequence is the feeling of inadequacy at work, in friendships and relationships. This often results in repeated patterns where individuals feel compelled to meet possibly unrealistic expectations to gain acceptance from their social circles or a potential partner. The issue with these unrealistic expectations is that inevitably they lead to failure, reinforcing the belief of not being "good enough".
Parental conditional love does not mean to never show disappointment to our children
Parents are human beings doing one of the hardest job and are therefore going to be imperfect. We make mistakes, everyday. In my opinion, what is essential is the capacity to recognize our emotions, to pause and choose not to act on them. The "pause" looks like asking yourself "what is going on for me? Why does it hurt so much?". And let's also highlight an important part of parent and child relationship: repair.
If a parent does momentarily look unhappy and upset about a not so good exam result of their teenager child , it is fine. Certain expectations placed on children are positive: every parent desires their child to succeed, and this is not only normal but also necessary, it also means the parent believes their child is capable of doing well. However, parents should thrive to quickly turn that feeling of disappointment into encouragement, reassuring their child that their love remains unchanged.
Some examples of what UNCONDITIONAL love may sound like:
"What happened with this exam? How come it didnt' go well? (PAUSE)
You will do better next time. You can do it, I believe in you. I am a bit surprised right now but it is okay, I love you and nothing can change that."
" I would have done it differently but I trust you, you will choose what is right for you"
" I am a bit mad right now you broke the vase, but it will go away. I love you"
" I will miss you when you will move out to Germany and I will be sad for a while. But we will all be okay"
I believe a crucial aspect of therapy is acknowledging when parents did not provide unconditional love to our clients and understanding the ongoing impact this may have today. The inability to love unconditionally is frequently passed down through generations and shaped by life circumstances. Many parents have their own "reasons" or obstacles that hinder their capacity to express unconditional love.
For example, prioritising and pressuring children to attain exceptional academic results might be linked to the parents' experience of not having the opportunity to study and become independent, or their own history of receiving love only when they were high achievers. Conditional love may sometimes be perceived by the parent as "tough love" and "making sure my child is strong and never will need to struggle"
Ultimately, as a therapist part of our role is to help repairing where parental unconditional love was not possible, conveying the message to clients that that inner child was and is worthy of love which allows that their true Self ( which is not the same as False Self of the Narcissist, for example) to emerge and expand.
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